About my far too early existential crisis

Ok, soo, I’m a person who worries often and a lot. Far too often and far too much (probably). I worry about normal stuff like is my hair already greasy or can I pass one more day without washing it? Or like, will I be able to finish this assignment on time and in a sufficient manner? Random and completely normal stuff, you know.

And then there are my other concerns. I’m sixteen years old and I worry if I’ll ever be able to get my life in order to achieve my goal of finishing medschool. And I haven’t even started studying at university. If I’m lucky and everything will go to my (rather unrealistic and hopeful) plan, I will start studying in two years at its best. But my whole life, people kept telling me how extraordinarily smart I was, how I would make good decisions concerning my future (and my present), how talented I was when it comes to languages and writing and all that kind of stuff or how I would have no problem whatsoever with A levels or any of the like. And here I am, only tipping my toes into the water that contains the seriousness of life and the revelation how my decisions actually affect and alter it and what’s happening? I’m freaking out.

Because honestly, I’m nothing special. I’m not particularly clever (and desperately clinging on to the imagination that good grades make me won’t change the fact that I’m not) nor does my sportiness, my creativity or my achievements in any other hobbies and interests of mine stand out from the crowd. I will most likely never excel the ordinary and that pisses me off. But I’m still too lazy to change something about it because what’s the point? I can’t change who I am. Hoping that I could change my intellect or my talents (or the lack thereof) when it isn’t an actual possibility is kinda heartbreaking because it keeps reminding me of how little I am. And hard work without changing the outcome or earning myself more credit can only bring me closer to a mental breakdown in a shorter amount of time.

The question now is, however, if I’m not the person that everyone kept telling me I am, this wonderful, intelligent, mature, pretty, creative, sporty and extraordinary, young woman, but I can’t and don’t want to be the dumb, lazy, dull and ordinary person that I may or may not be, who the fuck am I?

Is it normal to worry about this with my sweet sixteen years? I’m sorry to bother you with this… I guess I probably should lock away my laptop and phone when it’s later thatn 22pm cause my thoughts get darker and frankly, more scared, by the minute. It’s the middle of the night and I’m supposed to finish a couple of things on my to do list and I simply can’t seem to do it. Because I’m stuck in my head, terrified of what I’m doing wrong in my life and what I should be doing instead to be the person I want to be and not to be the person I’m scared I could be in the not so distant future. People are convinced they know what kind of a person I am. The kind that always does her homework. The kind that hardly studies and achieves great things in school. The kind that you don’t have to worry about because she seems perfect and she can’t possibly need any help, can she? Well, I’m pretty sure I’m lost right now. And telling me all the things that I’m so used to hearing when at the same time, I fail at these exact things and am painfully aware of my failures whereas others aren’t, doesn’t really help. Hell, it doesn’t even begin to. Actually, all it does is confirming my theses that all the positive traits about me, those that people believe to see, can’t possibly be right. And then I wonder if I’m not how people see me, maybe I’m right with my negative perception of myself? To be honest, that would scare me even more…

I’m sorry there is no positive outcome to this post. I’m sorry I’m not writing something cheerful like ‘Yeah, but I know in the end it will all turn out great if I keep on working on myself’. But I kinda feel like this would undermine the whole point of this post. Which is? Probably showing you guys that not everything is as it seems (The Wizards of Waverly Place jingle in my head) and especially so if it seems perfect. Everyone doubts and questions his existence and the sense behind the very own person more than we like to admit. Hopefully to an extent where we actually learn something from all the worrying but don’t seriously and lastingly harm ourselves on the way. But man, I don’t know. I’m worried but I don’t know. Not a good mixture.

And now, I can’t occupy myself any further with these kind of thoughts. Otherwise I won’t be able to fall asleep any time in the next hour (which I definitely intend to)… Hopefully, I didn’t evoke a similar crisis in your life now. But if I did, contact me as a fellow victim of overthinking and worrying too much. And hopefully, this post wasn’t too personal, too dark to scare you guys off.. Good night. 🙂

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